


It's 3am. Do you think I know what I'm doing?

by mehan kartik (daydreamingstoryteller)



Category: Shubh Mangal Zyada Saavdhan (2020)
Genre: Acceptance, Coming Out, Diary/Journal, Family Feels, Gen, Letters, Love Letters, M/M, Poetry, Post-it Notes, Rain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-07
Updated: 2020-10-14
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:22:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26344807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daydreamingstoryteller/pseuds/mehan%20kartik
Summary: A tale of two. Told through the words left on diaries, post it notes, letters, dms and notebooks.
Relationships: Aman Tripathi & Goggle Tripathi, Kartik Singh & Devika, Kartik Singh/Aman Tripathi
Comments: 79
Kudos: 52





	1. The Guy from the Train Station

**Author's Note:**

  * For [whoever the fuck wants it](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=whoever+the+fuck+wants+it).



> It's 3am idk what this is take it. BYE. i needed to write someting. im literally falling asleep as i write this. might never get updated ever again who knows? i certainly dont. guyh
> 
> bye. 
> 
> wait ive already said bue. nevermind yes. fair warning mistakes are abound cus i gave up when - actually idk when i did it, i just gave up.
> 
> [IM COMPLETLEY SOBER BTW, just sleepy]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How it started, as told be a text chain.

**Text conversation between Kartik & Devika,** (some random 3am morning, on some random fucking date before the events of SMZS (will add in dates later if i ever update)). 

Devi: 

Shit! I hate you Kartik. I left my hairdryer at home. IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT SAALE!

Kartik:

Why tf is it my fault. 

Devi:

You're the one that made me late for my train idiot. Kutte. 

Kartik:

Hawww Liar. You took so long to shower and made us late. And u shld be thanking me please. I came all the way with you just to drop you off. What would you have done without me to carry your stuff?

Devi:

Haww. Is this the thanks i get for putting up with you for so long? you cant even be nice to me for one day. kartik singh you're a menace. 

Kartik:

:(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

Devi:

😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒

Kartik:   
😥😥😥😥😭😭😭😭

Devi:   
Arey stop this kartik. stop being so dramatic even in textx. 

Kartik:

:(  
  
  


Devi:  
I'm gonna ignore every emoji you send from now on. ANYWAY, idiot, it's 3am chalo go sleep i need to sleep too before i reach chennai in the morning

Kartik:  
haan. yea. you'll reach at 7am na? Why are you going there again?  
  
  


Devi:   
you cant see it but im sighing right now at you. 

Im going to a friend's wedding, and i'll be gone for a week 

Kartik:

how will i ever survive without you for a week. who'll pour cold water on me in the morning to wake me up? 

I don't even have varun anymore yaar since he moved out last week. 

Devi:

which is why you're gonna look for our new roommate while im gone so that when i come home, i dont have to. 

Kartik: 

. 

Devi:

DO NOT SEND ANOTHE EMOJI KARTIK Im too sleep for this now yaar. emoji wars in the morning okay? Acha go sleep

Kartik: 

fine. go sleep. BYE. have fun in chennai

Devi: 

SLEEP IDIOT. don't stay up watching community episodes again. 

Kartik: 

hypocrite. ass. bitch you've watched remidial chaos theory episode more than 10 times you cant call me out for this. 

devi?

gtyhj

fine sleep. 

o'll talk to you later. 

text me when you reach. 

oh hey! found your hairdryer.   
  


(insert pic of hairdyrer if i feel like it in the morning).jpg

_4am_

oh yea forgot to tell you, remember that guy we bumped into at the station? the one that was getting off a train and we were running to get you to catch yours?

the cute mustard hoodie one?

when he ran into me, he accidentally dropped his notebooks yaar. 

uske phone number was in it so i texted him. 

he said he'll meet me tomorrow at a cafe so i can give it back to him. 

he's so cute over text devi i cant deal. 

but too bad he's probably straight.

lekin okay, he said he's looking for a more permanent place to stay than his current lodge. he just moved to delhi. 

i'll ask him about renting with us na? he seems okay and not serial killer kind. 

i'll ask him tomorrow.

he's really cute though

you think he's homophobic?

that's the only rule we have na? no homophobes as rooomates. not after rakesh. 

anyway text me in the morning. im meeting him for lunch. 

it's not a date though. 

i think. 

maybe i should sleep. 

night devi.

_~sometime in the morning, when Devi reaches Chennai~~~_

  
Devi: 

saale intni messages kyun

anyway GET UP 

you have a date na? ;)


	2. Letter from Rajni

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rajni gives Aman a letter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i thought i was gonna delete this but y'all literally threatened me not to. SO HERE"S MORE I GUESS. none of this will be in chronological order and also probably not edited since im writing them all at like 2am plus plus so be warned.

_A letter stashed away in Aman's cupboard, from his darling little sister Rajni. Given to him the day he left Allahabad, when Rajni was still a teenager (even if she was almost an adult)._

~~~~~~~

Aman, 

If you ever mention this letter to me or anyone I will deny your existence forever. This will never be mentioned ever again okay? 

Okay, so. I know we don't really talk about feelings and all. I mean. In this family we barely even talk about important things. 

But even if we don't talk about stuff we all know we love each other. At least, I hope _you_ know that I love you. (Again, i will deny every saying this so DONT BRING IT UP EVER).

I hope you know that even if the rest fo our family doesn't know all about you... I do. 

I found out when we were kids. You never really were good at hiding your diary from me and Keshav. Not sure if Keshav knows but even if he does, I know that his reaction will be the same as mine. 

Matlap, we still love you. Unconditional pyaar hai na? Regardless of what the rest of the family thinks, I still think of you as the same big brother i've always had. Just that now, I know you're so much more brave than I thought you were. 

But then again, I've seen you cry on rollercoasters so maybe not that brave. 

Point is, I know. And I love you. I know you never wanted us to find out, and I'm sorry that you didn't get to tell me this yourself. I wanted you to. I waited for you to but you never did. 

It's okay. It's your thing na? You take all the time you need. But I just didn't want you to leave without ever knowing that you still have a place here. At least to me you do. 

I know the biggest reason why you're leaving Allahabad to go to Delhi is probably because of this. Because you want to finally live your life the way you want to. Without having any fear of anyone finding out and telling Tauji. 

I know you're finally ready to leave all these behind and live and _love_ the way you've always wanted to. And that being here would have kept you inside a box that you never would have been happy in. 

That's why Im really happy to see you leave even if it scares me that you wont be right here with me anymore. 

I dont want you to leave. You've never been away from me, from us like this before. Never. So i'm scared. 

But i know how important this is for you and I never want to take that away from you. 

So it's okay. 

Don't worry about me and Keshav na? We'll be fine. Finally we won't have to keep fighting over the nest spot for wifi anymore, or for the last plate of medhu vadas. :P 

Just.. take care of yourself Aman. Please. 

Even if you never come back here, even if you decide that your life is better lived in Delhi or Mumbai or anywhere else, please remember that you'll always have a place here. With me and Keshav at least, even if not with the rest of our family. 

And if you do ever decide to come back, with or without a jiju for me and keshav, know that we'll still be here to support you. 

BUT PLEASE try to bring back someone worthy of being my Jiju. I can only have the coolest of family members so he has to be zyada cool and awesome okay? 

No one else deserves our crazy chaotic family and no one else less than awesome deserves you. 

SO DONT BE A DUMBASS AND GO FIND A BOYFRIEND NA? I know you're hopeless at being smooth but try karo? If not I'll whack you on the head. 

Call when you can. I'm gonna miss you. 

love, 

your sister, Goggle/Rajni  
  
  


P.s. I swear if you ever mention this letter again at all I will stab you in the eye and then we can be matching goggle buddies. :P

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> seriously. you asked for this. I'll try to keep them angst free but at 3am who the fuck knows what my brain comes up with hahah


	3. Mar Jayian (no angst i swear)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> inspired by @shubhmangalzyadasaavdhan's (on insta) mar jayian edit :) 
> 
> a text chain :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for charu yes, always loved this edit of yours and always wanted to write a fic based on it and i do have. agnst but it's ur birthday so i shall be nice. so have fluff instead. happy birthday hoe. yes.

underlined is aman

_italics is kartik_

* * *

[friday night, sometime before they come back home, they're living together cus roomates not dating yet but so hopelessly in love. ]

where are you? when are you coming back?

_ended work. just picking up some milk why? did devi ask me to pick something else up?_

no no she's not even here tonight. she's out with ravi remember?

_kya?_

haan she has some date or something. he asked her last minute and she just spent the past hour getting ready before yelling at me about making her late and leaving. 

_why didn't you tell me before idiot! I wouldn't have bothered with milk then_

don't we need it?

_neither of us care and im only getting it because devi would've killed me if i didnt bring it home! so now i went all the way for nothing :(_

don't be sad. you know i hate it when you are 

_:( but i just wasted a trip to the store after a long day at work_

ok ok suno, you're still there na?

_haan. kyun? you want me to pick up your grocercies too now? HAW  
that's all i am to you both. _

_just a live - in maid_

abey saale stop being dramatic. i was going to suggest a movie night but if you're being difficult then fine. i'll go sleep 

_NO! WAIT. ok yea movie night sounds good. what movie?  
  
  
_

hmm there's this old-ish movie i've wanted to watch. goggle said it's good by that ayushmann guy

_... does it have to be his film?_

why? you don't like him? you were fine with his other movie last month

_(typed but deleted & unsent) that was before i knew you had a crush on him_

_no no if you want to watch it then accha it's ok._

you sure? 

_haan yea, you say it's funny and good?_

yea apparently it's about being a sperm donor. it's his first film. 

_ok yea sounds interesting. we can watch it. but IM PICKING THE SNACKS_

as long as you dont dump burnt pizza on me again im good kartik

_that was ONE time idiot. and it was BEFORE you were even properly living with us and IT WASNT MY FAULT dramabaez_

😂 fine kartik whatever you say. now come fast im getting excited. 

_ok ok i'll be there in 15 mins_

[sometime at night, after the movie, an typed message on kartik's phone that was never sent, but stayed in his notes]

> _aman.. i know you're probably sleeping in your room and i can say this to you face to face tomorrow but. this cant wait  
> _
> 
> _remember that song at the credits? the one you liked so much?_
> 
> _i know you didn't say it but i could see it_
> 
> _you were sleepy but still you were listening to the song_
> 
> _you had small smile on your face_
> 
> _i know we're just roomates right now but_
> 
> _you're my best friend_
> 
> _more than devi_
> 
> _i think_
> 
> _aman i think i love you_
> 
> _i didn't realize it until that song_
> 
> _the lyrics..._
> 
> _it's exactly what i feel for you_
> 
> _i dont know if i'll ever say it_
> 
> _i dont know if i can_
> 
> _but i want to_
> 
> _im never going to actually send these messages_
> 
> _at least not today_
> 
> _maybe some day_
> 
> _but right now maybe i can sing it to you_

_aman's phone: kartik sent you voice message [3am]_

_(kartik singing mar jayian).mp3_

_okay fine you were right, it was a good movie_

_i can tolerate ayushmann if his movies are this good_

_also now i blame you for getting this song stuck in my head_

_so here's the song_

_i can't fucking sleep aman so im going to annoy you with it_

[morning on saturday]

kartik... why the fuck were you awake at 3 

please 

saale it's late wake up

also your singing is amazing

sing for me some more sometime na?

NOW GET UP BEFORE I FINISH ALL THE BREAKFAST

also devi's back and you actually still did forget the milk

* * *

all the edits are amazing but [here's the one](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aXZXenbYo78) that inspired this


	4. The Letters on the Fridge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A look at what's on the fride at Karman's house. :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> rasnak gave me the idea of having one of them leave notes on the fridge. this is short but sweetish. BYE

A random morning in the Singh-Tripathi-Devika's surname Apartment. 

The things left on their fridge. A series of letters and post-it notes. 

1\. Post it thread. 

KARTIK!!! BUY THE MILK YOU IDIOT - D

I DID IT LAST WEEK HAWWW - K

That was two weeks ago, this week is D's turn and she bought it but you finished it in one day IDIOT SO GO BUY MORE -A  
  
FINE I DID. I BOUGHT 3 BY ACCIDNT AND WE NEED A BIGGER FRIDGE SINCE THERES NO SPACE. - K

2\. A Printed Letter

Dear Mr Singh, 

We are glad to inform you that you have been offered the role of Public relations assistant at our company ......

_Scribblings on the letter:_

_Kartik!!!! YOU"RE TREATING US TO BARBECUE THAT'S IT I WONT TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER._   
_It's either that or you buy me heels. After all I practically wrote your CV._   
  
_ALso IM SO PROUD OF YOU YOU ASS! - D_   
  
_IM so happy fo you kartik but you don't get to ride my bike there everyday unless you're going to drop me off at my workplace first._   
_NO IT's MY BIKE KARTIK YOU CANT JUST BORROW IT WHENEVER. - A_

3\. A string of polaroids 

\- devi and karitk as teenagers in their marvel t-shirts next to the first avengers film poster. 

\- devi and karitk with graduation certs at college graduation

-a messy kitchen filled with dough everywhere with the caption: NOTE TO SELF NEVER LET DEVI BAKE ANYTHING

\- a picture of rajni and keshav standing in the Allahabad house with caption: we stole your things btw thanks for leaving them behind :P

-devi, kartik and aman at a carnival, devi looking so done with the two

-ravi, devi, in the background sleeping on the couch while Kartik and aman take a selfie in the foregroung

-devi and kartik fighting/rolling on the ground (taken by ravi and aman)

-ravi, aman, devi and kartik at Kartik's birthday party with cake everywhere 

4\. An old kids drawing of a princess and a knight

_Notes on the drawing:_

_-DEVI AWW YOU WANTED TO BE A PRINCESS - K_

_-SHUT UP CHUTIYA I WAS 7 HOW DID YOU FIND THIS DRAWING FUCK U - D_

_-I think its cute devi, let's leave it here on the fridge. also who's the knight ;) - A_

_\- IT BETTER BE ME - Ravi_

_\- NO ITS ME! hawww how dare you think anyone but me was her knight in shining armour as kids- K_

_\- ... fine ok - Ravi_

_-I swear I'll burn this_ _drawing_ _one day - D_

_-Just don't burn down the house too with it - A_

5\. Post it notes again

OK IM SICK OF ALL THIS TENSION. IT's been WEEKS and you two are gay and dumb and IDIOTS. I'm taking matters into my own hands. 

Heyy Aman Kartik loves you like the sappy puppy dog eyes, loves you kind of love. 

KARTIK IDIOT AMAN IS HEAD OVER HEELS FOR YOU TOO! 

THERE. NOW. BOTH OF YOU BETTER HAVE CONFESSED AND BE MAKING OUT BY THE TIME I GET BACK FROM RAVI'S HOUSE OR ELSE!

(or else you'll be doing the laundry for a whole month I swear I'm not joking)

-D

hey devi, so we're not actually making out on the couch, but we might be making out somewhere else. because we're on a date. RIght now. 

We'll see you when we get back and we bought milk for you! You're an idiot too but we love you. Thanks. 

BYE

-Kartik & Aman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i want to add in more but its almost 4am so idk ytghuj  
> JUST TAKE THIS BYE IMMA GO SLEEP


	5. Wish you could feel the rain with me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A text between two separated lovers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> part of this convo (or one part specifically)..... may or may not have been adapted from my personal dms... with someone. SHUSH

From Kartik's phone to Aman: 

_sometime in the middle of the night, around 11 plus pm._

Kartik: 

I know you said you'll only be gone for a few days but I already miss you baby :(((

Devi and Ravi also being away sucksss

IM just gonna stay here curled up in bed in your mustard hoodie and watch Community reruns ><

Amann..... reply karo

babyy pleaseee

I swear I'll do the laundry next time but reply na? why are you asleep?? Allahabad is in the same time zone idiot!

ok nevermind you take time with your family. I'll sit here and wait for you come home </3

_sometime later in the night_

Kartik:

AMANNNn 

Aman suno

Guess what im doing right now

GUESS

ok nevermind I'll tell you. SO

I just had a shower a while ago na? after i watched the Christmas episode of Community. 

Okay, and then listen, I was going to make dinner but then the weather changed

and it was very windy just now and it rained a while ago na? 

So perfect weather to go walking

So I just ordered swiggy and left 

I promised I locked up!! 

Also haan i got something other than fast food chill bro

anyway yea so baby I'm out right now and it started going from a drizzle to steady raindrops but still light 

like remember our date? in the beach HAAn like that kind of nice weather

makes me feel closer to you

anyway so I'm out walking around our apartment in the rain 

and 

im wet and smiling like crazy

I know you always say I'm crazy but now I think if someone saw me i'd really look very crazy

and you're not here to tell me to stop being such a dramaqueen so no one stopped me from doing a little run around the building

yes it's still raining

no baby I promise to take care

no Im not going to get our floors wet with mud

Did i mention that I've got food waiting at home? Also haan i'm listening to my favorite playlist

the one we made together na? that one night ... 

it's nice for a night like this

the wind smells nice

makes me miss you a little less 

feels like you're with me

Aman (sent immediately after the last text Kartik sent): 

ABEY SAALE GET HOME RIGHT NOW BEFORE IT STARTS POURING

why aren't you replying?

ok nevermind don't text and walk in the rain

just - 

get home kartik. 

i miss you too but I'll be super pissed if i come home and you're sick

go home

and also, if you go home fast before the food comes, you can take the flask in the kitchen and make yourself some hot chai

your favorite kine 

Kartik:

FINALLY you're replying ! 😁

wait 

chai? 

is it just chai or

Aman: 

It's your favourite: chai with cinnamon, saffron and a hint of chocolate syrup

i still think it's cavities in a cup but 

I figured you might need it. 

especially when I'm not home 

Kartik: 

Aman

Baby what

You didn't actually????? 

Aman:

I did actually. just. go home kartik. You know i worry when you're out alone in the rain

you get sick afterward and this time im not there 

so haan go home

you have your food and your chai 

and i promise I'll be back soon okay?

I miss you too

Kartik: 

it's okay Aman

i promise im going home

you don't worry about me na?

go spend time with your family

your boyfriend is amazing 

I can handle myself 

and I wont get sick. 

I have your chai and hoodie to keep me warn later

Aman:

senti mat ho idiot

but ok actually

it's a really nice night here too

and I've been listening to our playlist for a while

maybe I can go out to the ganga and sit and listen to it properly

want to call?

Kartik:

call? but your family ?

Aman: 

Arey it's fine. 

I know a spot that no one will find me in 

but it's near the ganga

it is a really good weather tonight here too

so? 

want to call? 

Kartik: 

of course i would love to

just let me go home to dry and get comfortable na?

i miss you <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's technically barely 1am but im sleepy so here. have it earlier. ALSO WHEW RE-RELEASE!! and THANKS TO THE WRITERS GC for helping me feel confident in the drink. 
> 
> i wish I could try the saffroon/chocolate/cinnamon chai !!!! but I don't have the ingredient nor do I have marshmallows. SADS.

**Author's Note:**

> someone tell me why im doing this at 3 plus when ive been awake for about 40 hours with only 3 hour nap in bwteween? byeeeee i might delete in the morning so if you read it WELL CONGRATS you read something that idk what it is. might disappear soon. 
> 
> ive never done this before. not like this. BUT I ONCE WROTE CRACK WITH MY EYES HALF CLOSED gyuhjk
> 
> that was fun stuff. k night. 
> 
> (i swear im sober. maybe im just high off of watching lootcase. i havent laughed like that in MONTHS. can laughter be a drug? cus then im defo high BYE) heh rhyme.


End file.
